What is really wrong with mothers-in-law?
Mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships are wild.
If you were to take a poll of young women who are married — regardless of their temperaments, profession or level of education — more than half of them would report having less than pleasant relationships with their mother-in-law. Cambridge University psychologist Terri Apter reports in her book that 60% of women admitted that their relationship with their female in-laws caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.
I find the consensus that mothers-in-law are trouble a little hard to accept because mothers generally have good rep as you can tell from every Mother’s Day celebration.
So why is everybody’s mother angel but every mother-in-law a witch?
Think about it: your husband probably doesn’t realise that his mother is a witch. But wait, is it possible that your sweet mother is, or will be another woman’s nightmare 😱?
The more thought is given to this, the more obvious it becomes that mothers-in-law appear to be witches more because of the dynamics of the mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship than because of their individual temperaments.
This is not to dispute the fact that some mothers-in-law are pure evil. But there are evil young women too. So whether or not a woman appears to be a witch of a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law depends on a complex relationship between the wife, the husband and his mother.
It’s a game of ‘ownership’
Who has more rights to the husband? Is it the mother who gave nine months and the best years of her existence to raise her son, or the wife, who let go of everything and everyone (hopefully) to stay with her husband forever (insha Allah)?
Most of the tension in mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships comes from one party overestimating their rights to the husband/son’s affection while downplaying the rights of the other party.
Once a man marries, he tends to divert or at least share all of the love he gave to his mother to his new family and most times, this shift in attention is obvious in how much time he spends with his mother, or how much money he sends home. To the mother, the daughter-in-law is the reason why she isn’t getting as much love from her son. Her son has changed and it is his wife’s fault.
The closer the relationship between a man and his mother before marriage, the more drastic the change post-marriage will be, and the greater the potential for friction with the daughter-in-law. So if the man is a mummy’s boy or the sole breadwinner in a family, there’s a greater risk of in-law drama.
This battle for the man’s love is also often where the problems with uncles from the father’s side come from, but that is a topic for an entire medium post.
The wife on the other hand often doesn’t feel the man is invested enough in their new family. The woman rightly feels the man should put his new family’s interest before anything else and she feels frustrated whenever he does not put in enough. “Why are you giving your mother all our money when we barely have enough” It’s all maternal manipulation in her mind. Unfortunately, most wives will go overboard trying to protect their husband/family’s interest from this perceived manipulation.
To make matters worse, mothers who have had too much of a say in their sons’ lives often feel a sense of entitlement over their daughters-in-law’s lives.
The result of all this friction is often a son/husband who feels helpless and caught in the crossfire, or even worse, is oblivious to the growing conflict.
What we can learn from less tumultuous woman-in-law relationships
I know some women are reading this thinking “…but my mother-in-law no get wahala at all”.
Yes, you’re right, but it has to do with more than your mother-in-law.
If you have no issues with your mother in law its likely that at least a few of these are true:
- Your husband does a good job of drawing boundaries, balancing perceived affection and fostering unity.
- Your husband brings no substantial value to his mom or family so there’s nothing to fight.
- The man is wayward and irresponsible and both the mother and the wife are united in their frustration over his remissness.
- The mother or wife (or both) has an almost subservient acceptance of the other’s right to the husband/son’s love and affection.
The man’s responsibility
I hope that at this point in the article, it’s already clear that a man has a pivotal role to play in mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships.
Unfortunately, most men don’t know how to moderate the relationship between their wives and moms, or worse, are flat-out ignorant of the role they need to play in keeping tensions low.
Men are responsible for subtly making their wives and mothers realise that the other party has shares in their lives as well.
Since both parties are often trying to protect the man’s interest, he must learn to deal with issues in a way that doesn’t force one party to switch on “overprotective mode”. He must control how he expresses his frustration about his relationship with one party to the other because the resentment will often linger long after his frustration has disappeared.
A man must act to foster the relationship between his wife and mother. One of my friends attempts to do this by making sure whatever gift he wants to give his mom goes through his wife, this way, mummy knows that his wife endorses and likely sponsors the gifts.
I can’t say if this is the best method to achieve the desired end or suggest any effective methods. However, I believe that mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships stand a better chance of being positive when men realise their responsibilities and start having conversations on how to make things better!
Final words
The thoughts shared here come from years of reflecting on very intimate conversations with friends and family who are husbands, wives and mothers-in-law.
I have never been married and cannot claim to be an expert on in-law relationships. However, I hope this article serves as the basis for thoughtful conversations.
If you found anything here useful, kindly clap, share and follow me on Medium. And most importantly, if you have a differing opinion, kindly share it in the comments. I can’t wait to read it!